I Tore Myself Apart
by Charmina
Summary: He left on a cold December morning, just weeks before Christmas, and he did not plan on ever going back. It was better that way. For everyone. For him. slash


_Disclaimer – I don't own Four Brothers or the characters. The quoted song is Imperfect by Stone Sour._

_**I Tore Myself Apart**_

_Oh what do you want to hear?_ _  
_

Jack shook the snow out of his hair as he opened the door to his one-room-apartment and walked inside. It was really coming down heavy now and he was glad to finally be home. He might not have the money to really turn the heat up inside but it was still much better then being outside in weather like this. At least it was dry.

Locking the door and fixing the deadbolt he threw his keys down on the kitchen-counter, kicked his wet shoes of and shrugged out of his leather jacket. Going over to the laundry-basket he pulled out a black hoodie, gave it a quick sniff to check how bad it was and then pulled it on. Laundry was long overdue but it would have to do for now.

Next he went to the fridge and gave a quick look inside before he slammed it closed again with a sigh. Some moldy cheese and old milk was the only thing in there and he really should have thrown it away ages ago but he did not really care. Instead he opened up the pantry and pulled out some tee before he filled a pan with water and set it to boil. It would not really fill his stomach but at least he would get warm.

A knock on the door surprised him and he quickly reached in to his back-pocket to get his switchblade out. It was not a very safe neighborhood and he was not expecting company so it was better to be on the safe side.

He quietly creep up towards the door and listened carefully for a moment but when he did not hear anything he slowly opened the door and peaked out through the narrow opening that the deadbolt allowed.

What he saw made his jaw drop and his heart skip a beat.

"Gonna let me in, Jackie?"

Jack slammed the door closed. He stared at it for several seconds, his mind working overdrive to piece together what was happening and then he took a deep breath and reached out to undo the deadbolt. It took him a few tries as his hands shook too much for him to get a good grip but when it finally cooperated he hurried to pull the door open.

"Bobby," he breathed out and stared at the man before him.

He had not changed much. He looked a bit older maybe but he still wore the same old leather jacket, his hair was still slicked back and he still carried himself in a way that seemed to scream both 'Bobby' and 'Danger' depending on whether you were on his good side or not.

"That's some way to great you're older brother," Bobby said. "Throwing the door in his face and," he glanced down at Jack's hand, "pulling a knife on him."

Jack looked down at the switchblade still clutched tightly in his grip and with a swift move he had it closed again. "Didn't know who it was," he said and put the knife back in his pocket. "And you're the one who gave it to me."

"True," Bobby said and looked over Jack's shoulder in to the apartment. "Gonna let me in or leave me out here to freeze my balls off?"

Jack glanced over his shoulder, on the verge of saying that it was not much warmer inside but he shook that thought from his mind and stepped aside to let Bobby in.

The older man walked inside, his eyes rooming over the small apartment as he took it all in and Jack tried his best not to fidget. Instead he turned around and closed and locked the door again. Even if Bobby was not staying long it was better to keep it locked.

"Shitty place you've got here."

Jack shook his head and walked over to the stove where the water had begun to boil. "But it's still mine," he said as he prepared the tee in his cup.

"Yeah, guess it is," Bobby said, his voice unusually soft.

Jack turned around again with his cup clutched tightly in his hands and leaned back against the counter. "So whataya doing here?"

Bobby turned to face him and his expression looked oddly serious. And it was not the normal kind of deadly-serious expression but a softer one that seemed strange on the other mans face.

"Ma's worried about ya," he said and Jack looked away from him. "Say's you don't call as much."

"I've been busy," Jack answered and in some ways it was the truth. He had been busy; working three jobs to try and pay the rent was not easy, but it was not the only reason he had not called.

"To busy to just call and tell her you're alright?"

"Yeah," Jack said, his eyes fixed on an old bloodstain in the corner. It had been there before he moved in and he did not really want to know where, or who, it came from.

"That's crap," Bobby said and his voice did not sound soft anymore. "After all she's done for ya she deserves to know if you're alive or not."

"Well, I am so you can just go home and tell her that," Jack snapped and tried to not think about how his heart clenched at the word 'home'.

He had not been there for years. He left on a cold December morning, just weeks before Christmas, and he did not plan on ever going back. It was better that way. For everyone. For him.

"Go and tell her yourself!" Bobby yelled and took a threatening step forward but Jack still did not look up at him. "What you've got that's keeping you here? It's a shithole, Jack! It's all fuckin' shit!"

"But it's _mine_!" Jack screamed and finally looked up and met Bobby's eyes, rage shining in his eyes and tears threatening to fall.

Bobby was silent for a moment, just staring at him, and Jack wanted to turn away again but he could not.

"What are you running from?" Bobby asked in a whisper.

Jack blinked to try and clear the tears from his eyes, the words ringing in his ears and his heart beating franticly inside his chest. "Nothing," he said. 'Everything' he wanted the scream.

_Do you know how many times__  
__I tore myself apart cuz you're not here?_

Jack turned away and took a sip of his tee just to have something to do. He frowned when the now cold liquid touched his tongue and walked over to the sink and poured it out. Still not ready to face the other man again he proceeded to rinse out the cup and the dry it with a towel before putting it back inside the cupboard. When he did not have anything else to occupy himself with and Bobby still had not said another word he put his hands on the counter and let his head bend forward. He sighed.

"Why did you come here, Bobby?" he asked again.

"I told you, Ma's worried."

Jack shook his head. "No," he said. "You're no better then me when it comes to staying in touch so Ma wouldn't call you to check up on me." He lifted a hand to rub his stinging eyes before he settled it on the counter again. "Why're you here?"

The room was silent. Footsteps could be heard from the apartment above and outside in the dark, cold night sirens rang but inside the room you could have heard a pin drop. Jack wondered if Bobby could hear his heartbeat.

"I was worried," Bobby finally said and Jack squeezed his eyes closed. "I haven't seen you in years, not since you just up and left without saying anything to anyone."

The room felt too small. Jack could not breath in there, the air felt too stuffy and the walls seemed to close in on him. He wanted to get out. He wanted to run away in to the night and let the cold and the dark and the snow wipe away everything.

"Why'd you leave, Jackie?"

Jack took a deep breath, struggling to get it past the lump in his throat, and opened his eyes to stare down at the counter. "I just had too," he said and hoped the other man would let it go.

"Tell me."

"Just leave it, man," he said and ran a hand through his hair. "It don't matter."

"Yeah, it does," Bobby snapped. "Ya don't just walk out on family like that."

Jack spun around so fast he almost lost his footing and he could see the surprise on Bobby's face as he glared at him but he was too angry and too tired to care anymore.

"Like you do, Bobby?" he screamed. "Like you do all the fuckin' time, just leave without saying anything and never telling if you'll be back or not." He took a step forward, hands clenching by his side. "I used to be scared everytime you walked out the door 'cause I didn't know if you'd be back or not. Didn' know if you'd come back hurt and bleeding or if we'd get a call from the cops telling us you'd been locked up again." Tears welled up in his eyes again but he refused to let them fall. "You're always leaving, Bobby, so don't blame me for doing the same."

He fell silent again, all his rage spent and leaving him tired and just feeling empty. He wanted to crawl down on his bed and just sleep until the world seemed brighter and easier again. Now it just felt hard and painful and he wondered if it was really worth it all.

"You still haven't given me a reason."

Jack closed his eyes. "Man, why can't you just leave it?"

_Oh why do you want to know?_

Jack had felt safe in the Mercer-house. It had been a strange feeling for him since he had never really felt it before and it seemed even stranger considering the other boy's who lived or had lived there. But in that house he had felt safe and after some time it even felt like home.

Evelyn had been wonderful from the start even if it had taken him a long time to trust her. She was kind and caring and never yelled at anyone no matter how bad they had messed up. He trusted her and came to love her like a mother.

He never thought he would leave, at least not like this. That house was the best thing that ever happened to him so he never thought that anything could make him want to leave it so bad that it hurt. But things changed and life had always been a bitch anyway.

He had always looked up to Bobby. Alright, so maybe he had been scared shitless of him in the beginning but he still looked up to him. Bobby was strong and confident and did not take shit from anyone and he always protected what he thought of as his. Jack had been so amazed the first time he came home with a black-eye and Bobby had been furious and demanded to know who had done it. Those kids never touched Jack again and it was the first time he understood that Bobby had accepted him as part of the family. It had been one of the happiest days of his life.

But Jack grew up and first he did not want to admit that things had changed but after awhile he was forced to.

Everyone teased him about how he was always following Bobby around, even Bobby himself. As long as Bobby was in town Jack could be found right behind him. And of course people teased, that was what people did, and he did not mind that Bobby did it too because he was always teasing Jack about everything. But then the kids in school started saying other stuff and he hit a few in the mouth when it first started but for once that did not make them stop.

When Bobby found out Jack thought that he would be furious and he was kind of happy about how much shit those kids where going to get but then Bobby had just laughed and ruffled his hair. _"You've always been a fairy, Jackie,"_ he had said and Jack had wanted to cry.

He stopped following Bobby around after that but it only made the teasing worse, as if he had admitted that they were right. He supposed he had in a way.

But the worst part was not what people we're saying but what he realized. He missed Bobby. He missed his teasing and his smile and how he would ruffle Jack's hair and how he always protected him. He missed Bobby and for the first time he understood why.

He had been horrified. Boys did not like other boys and especially not your brother. It did not matter that they were not really family by blood; everyone still considered them to be brothers so that was how they would look at it.

And Bobby would hate it. Would hate Jack. And he could not take that.

So he left. It was the only option. He did not want to but at the same time it hurt too much to stay.

He had never planned on Bobby following him.

"You're my brother," Bobby said and Jack shook his head to get back to the present. "I can't just leave it when something's wrong."

"It's been years, Bobby," Jack said tiredly. "If you where that worried you could have come a long time ago."

And Jack wondered if it had been better if he had. He had felt abondened in the beginning, even if he had been the one to leave that time, and at the same time he wanted Bobby to stay away and to come and bring him back home.

But that was a long time ago. Bobby never came and Jack had moved on without him.

"And you could've come home."

"I won't," Jack said.

"Fuck it, Jack!" Bobby screamed and Jack did not have the energy to be surprised. "What's the matter with you? You can't live like this, it's a fuckin' shit life and you deserve a whole lot better then this dump!"

"I'm not goin', Bobby," he said and turned his eyes towards the floor.

He heard footsteps but he did not look up as he felt Bobby's hand land on his shoulder. It felt warm and heavy and he wanted it to stay there forever but he did not know how to ask.

"You know I love you, right?"

A sob broke through Jack and he wrapped his arms around himself to keep himself together. It hurt – God how it hurt – to hear those words when they were just so wrong.

He felt Bobby's fingers on his chin as they forced his head up and Jack knew tears were running down his cheeks as his eyes met Bobby's.

"I love you, man."

Jack stared at him. There was something deeper in Bobby's eyes, something he had never seen before and which he did not really understand. It was like Bobby was trying to tell him something but he could not understand what it was.

Instead he nodded his head and tried to smile but knew it came out all wrong.

Bobby looked at him a moment longer, as if he stared long enough then Jack would get it, but then he looked away and sighed.

"I'll be in town a few days," he said and walked towards the door. "Maybe we could grab a beer or somethin' before I leave." Bobby threw a last look at Jack over his shoulder, and he nodded once to show that he had heard, and then Bobby unlocked the door and walked outside.

"Lock it after me," he called before he closed the door. "And don't open it before you know who's outside."

The door closed behind him and Jack sank down on the floor, the tears continuing to fall down his cheeks.

_Does it make you feel alive?_

Shots rang through the air as he tried to draw a breath but it felt too wrong and it just did not want to reach his lungs. He coughed, what little breath he had in him immediately disappearing again and he felt a tear roll down his cheek.

It had been so stupid! But he had never liked it when his brothers fought so when the doorbell rang he thought it was a good excuse to get out. How could he have forgotten Bobby's warning? How could he just open the door and fall in to a stupid trap like this?

He coughed again, tasting iron as the liquid slowly started to fill his mouth and run over his lips and he used all his power to suck in a deep breath.

"BOBBY!" he screamed and somewhere far away he thought he heard him reply.

His heart beat franticly in his chest and the tears just would not stop falling. It was so stupid, so unbelievably stupid!

Suddenly the world was quiet again and he wondered if this was it but then he saw movement on his right and looked up in to Bobby's worried eyes.

"Jack! Jack, look at me!" he cries. "Jack, you all right? Hold on. We need an ambulance!"

Jack wants to answer him, he tries to, but there is too much blood in his mouth now and he can't make his tongue form any words. But he looks up at Bobby, tries to show him that he is sorry for being stupid, tries to tell him that he does not really want to leave again this time but he can stay either. The world is going blurry around the edges and he can not feel his legs anymore.

"Come on, Jack, you gotta breathe!"

He feels Bobby's arms around him and he tries to focus on him a little longer. It feels nice, feels like home, and he wants to stay there forever because he thinks this is what's been missing. He's been living all these years but wrapped in Bobby's arms he feels alive.

Another cough and then he smiles. Smiles because life really is a bitch, forcing him to leave when he has finally found his way back home. And he smiles for Bobby because none of this is his fault and he wants him to remember that. Wants him to remember that Jack dies with a smile on his lips.

"Don't you die on me you little fairy. Come on, Jack. Please! You gotta fucking breathe! Come on!"

He wants to tell him that it's okay but the world slips away and the smile fade from his lips as he lose feeling there too.

He lets go.

_I had to die to finally let you go_


End file.
